It's his birthday on Thursday.
10th February has been one of the worst
days of the year since I was 9; so since
2000. This will be the 11th year.
The first year that I will not be seeing him [unless he manages to find me]
This will be, something that should make
me feel so free, yet it continues to
remind me how trapped I still feel.
It hurts.
It still hurts so much.
Such specific memories, hurting me, haunting me, taunting me, playing twisted games.
The things that have happened on his birthday.
Like it was his right to make it more; longer, painful, detrimental and with an extra dose of fear on top of what was already there.
Like I owed him something because he was still bigger and stronger then me.
It feels like the beginning of the 'build up' between now and my own birthday everything stepped up levels regarding the physical and sexual abuse and the mental and emotional torment that was caused.
I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope. I will be happy. I will smile. I will do this. I will cope.
And no-one will ever need know.
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