Update.. [poss trig]

** Just as an extra note! I'm so sorry I'm not posting very frequently at the moment. Things are struggling and I'd hate to sound like I'm complaining all the time and my concentration levels are shit right now**




The funeral has been and gone now. It was horrible, but not in the ways I'd thought about and tried to prepare for.. I will never forget the sound of the roses hitting the coffin after it'd been lowered into the ground. The sickness I felt when others were crying and I just couldn't myself. Feeling selfish, evil. I couldn't help but think that it'd be so much better if I was with her. It still doesn't feel real. I'm still waiting for her call asking when I'll next be going to see her..

The flashbacks are bad. They are on and off causing problems between me and my boyfriend.. obviously the physical contact between us and even just some things that he'll say can trigger me and at the moment I'm being triggered so easily.

This week is the anniversary of the first rape. I can't stop thinking about it. Crying myself to sleep just to dream of it. Wanting to hurt myself so much, all the time.. but knowing that it wont help and trying it anyway.. Specifically this is the worst month of my life.. Most of the 'firsts' would happen roughly April being the big stand off because it's just before my birthday.

I'm making plans, trying to keep busy, keep my mind off of everything.. Shopping Friday, time with my little sister on Monday.. shopping again on my birthday, Thorpe Park on the 16th May.. There will be various things in between but I needed big things to focus on. I'm hoping I can just look at things as until the next 'big' focus I have and work through like that..

I have been accepted into college but as pleased as I am for that I can't help but see it as a positive for something I'd achieved before I'd died. Something I'd not had a chance to fuck up.

I'm fairly 50/50 for suicide. Some days.. or more at night I am alot more like 70-80/20 but even on the better days where the flashbacks are bearable and I have okay times with people I care about it's still there, in my mind, haunting me.. In some ways I keep thinking maybe if I just got through the 'bad' part of the year then my plans would be more likely to succeed because it would be less suspected, but then on the other hand if I can get through the bad part of the year I want to live and enjoy everything that I haven't been able to whilst I'm struggling..

Basically. My mind is a mess. Should I or shouldn't I. Will I or won't I. My biggest fear is that I wont make a decision. That I'll just react to a particularly bad flashback or bad dream.. I scared of when losing my Nan becomes real. I'm scared of losing all my reasons to keep fighting.. 


Self-harming is becoming so much more frequent.. That bothers me too with the weather becoming so much better now.. :/ Please, god, kill me now.

Nan's Funeral.

On Friday I had my Nan's funeral. 
We had the service at her local church, although that felt all wrong.. I know that she believed in heaven [she always told me that she just knew her Mum was up there waiting for her inside the golden gates] but the extra religious shit they come out with was unbelievable and just made it so unlike Nan that it felt even less real.. I never heard my Nan mention God, Jesus or any of the like and it felt so wrong to make her ending stick with that. [Side note - no offence to anyone who does believe. This is just my opinion] Then we travelled to the cemetery where she was to be buried and did the final goodbyes, finishing -usually I expect- with the ashes to ashes, dust to dust bit.
It doesn't feel real. Although I am so numb maybe I wouldn't even know..  They was a bit of upset because only my eldest cousin was mentioned [out of all 13 grandchildren] and my aunt's ex-husband turned up and caused trouble. Otherwise it all went smoothly. My Nan can't be gone. She can't be dead. I can still feel you here, I still need you. Please come back.

Chapel Of Rest

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging properly for a while, things feel very overwhelming at the moment and I am struggling to write..
I went to the Chapel Of Rest today; to see my Nan. I thought if I saw her this would feel real, I touched her and she is ice cold and solid like stone, this is not my Nan, at all.. and yet it still doesn't seem to be sinking in..
I dunno.. I'm scared of it 'being real' but then on the other hand I feel stupid for not being at that point yet.. 
I feel truly shit right now.. Meh.
I need a hug..


I've also refused to now have my ICD fitted.. 

Nan Tattoo: Remembrance ♥

I got my first tattoo today, one in memory of my Nan ♥

I LOVE IT!! ♥

Seriously, it didn't hurt anywhere near what I thought it would. It does hurt/ache now and is pretty 

sore but to be honest I've dealt with the same from self-harming healing times before.. I spent the whole of yesterday playing around with ideas and designs before I saw something that was similar to this on Google and made a load of changes and made it mine :) It's so my Nan though, gardening was her life and being the 'old school' chick that she was she adored red roses.. very 'typical' of course. She is my heart. Was my heart in way too many ways.. I love her so much still and I am kinda ashamed I never did this for her when she was still alive so she got to see it - I know she would have loved it like I do - .I'm going to the chapel of rest tomorrow night. I'm kinda worried.. I know logically she's dead, and gone.. but that doesn't stop me expecting a call or a visit.. more gossip from the family, going's on and usual things. I miss her but I still can't truely believe she's gone. It doesn't feel real.

Please Release Me && Let Me Go

I am pathetic.
I have just spent nearly 3 hours crying and listening to one of the songs thats to be played at my Nan's funeral..

>>> <<<<

This one.

This is so my Nan.

On YouTube there's a cover by Elvis Presley which I am pretty sure I heard her playing once when I was visiting her.. 

I miss her so much already. It seems so unfair. I know as she was ill it's not fair for me to still want her to be here with that, but I want to be selfish for now, I need her here with me. I feel lost with her gone. I've lost sight of everything.. It feels like she was the glue holding the rest of my failures together and it's only now I'm realizing just how much I've failed and how much I've failed her. I was never good enough for her and she still didn't care <3

I need her back.

Confused Minds.

So fed up of not being able to make myself feel better. 

Got a date for the funeral : 1st April. 

Apparently too many people are dying at this time of year in my area.. 

So this is all going to drag out for a ridiculous amount of time. 

I don't really know if I'm going to make it that long. 

I have got to try and cope for at least that long. 

I feel bad that I'm going to be leaving my sisters after promising I'd be there 

for them when Mum was first ill. Through my mind runs all these conflicting ideas 

and wants/needs.. I don't know how to help the family knowing that I don't 

plan on being around to completely see it through.

I don't know how I'm supposed to protect the people I love: without being here

any longer then I have to be..

Self-harming is becoming too regular again. I can't decide if it's worth being

bothered about it when I should be dead soon enough.