Update.. [poss trig]

** Just as an extra note! I'm so sorry I'm not posting very frequently at the moment. Things are struggling and I'd hate to sound like I'm complaining all the time and my concentration levels are shit right now**




The funeral has been and gone now. It was horrible, but not in the ways I'd thought about and tried to prepare for.. I will never forget the sound of the roses hitting the coffin after it'd been lowered into the ground. The sickness I felt when others were crying and I just couldn't myself. Feeling selfish, evil. I couldn't help but think that it'd be so much better if I was with her. It still doesn't feel real. I'm still waiting for her call asking when I'll next be going to see her..

The flashbacks are bad. They are on and off causing problems between me and my boyfriend.. obviously the physical contact between us and even just some things that he'll say can trigger me and at the moment I'm being triggered so easily.

This week is the anniversary of the first rape. I can't stop thinking about it. Crying myself to sleep just to dream of it. Wanting to hurt myself so much, all the time.. but knowing that it wont help and trying it anyway.. Specifically this is the worst month of my life.. Most of the 'firsts' would happen roughly April being the big stand off because it's just before my birthday.

I'm making plans, trying to keep busy, keep my mind off of everything.. Shopping Friday, time with my little sister on Monday.. shopping again on my birthday, Thorpe Park on the 16th May.. There will be various things in between but I needed big things to focus on. I'm hoping I can just look at things as until the next 'big' focus I have and work through like that..

I have been accepted into college but as pleased as I am for that I can't help but see it as a positive for something I'd achieved before I'd died. Something I'd not had a chance to fuck up.

I'm fairly 50/50 for suicide. Some days.. or more at night I am alot more like 70-80/20 but even on the better days where the flashbacks are bearable and I have okay times with people I care about it's still there, in my mind, haunting me.. In some ways I keep thinking maybe if I just got through the 'bad' part of the year then my plans would be more likely to succeed because it would be less suspected, but then on the other hand if I can get through the bad part of the year I want to live and enjoy everything that I haven't been able to whilst I'm struggling..

Basically. My mind is a mess. Should I or shouldn't I. Will I or won't I. My biggest fear is that I wont make a decision. That I'll just react to a particularly bad flashback or bad dream.. I scared of when losing my Nan becomes real. I'm scared of losing all my reasons to keep fighting.. 


Self-harming is becoming so much more frequent.. That bothers me too with the weather becoming so much better now.. :/ Please, god, kill me now.

Nan's Funeral.

On Friday I had my Nan's funeral. 
We had the service at her local church, although that felt all wrong.. I know that she believed in heaven [she always told me that she just knew her Mum was up there waiting for her inside the golden gates] but the extra religious shit they come out with was unbelievable and just made it so unlike Nan that it felt even less real.. I never heard my Nan mention God, Jesus or any of the like and it felt so wrong to make her ending stick with that. [Side note - no offence to anyone who does believe. This is just my opinion] Then we travelled to the cemetery where she was to be buried and did the final goodbyes, finishing -usually I expect- with the ashes to ashes, dust to dust bit.
It doesn't feel real. Although I am so numb maybe I wouldn't even know..  They was a bit of upset because only my eldest cousin was mentioned [out of all 13 grandchildren] and my aunt's ex-husband turned up and caused trouble. Otherwise it all went smoothly. My Nan can't be gone. She can't be dead. I can still feel you here, I still need you. Please come back.

Chapel Of Rest

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging properly for a while, things feel very overwhelming at the moment and I am struggling to write..
I went to the Chapel Of Rest today; to see my Nan. I thought if I saw her this would feel real, I touched her and she is ice cold and solid like stone, this is not my Nan, at all.. and yet it still doesn't seem to be sinking in..
I dunno.. I'm scared of it 'being real' but then on the other hand I feel stupid for not being at that point yet.. 
I feel truly shit right now.. Meh.
I need a hug..


I've also refused to now have my ICD fitted.. 

Nan Tattoo: Remembrance ♥

I got my first tattoo today, one in memory of my Nan ♥

I LOVE IT!! ♥

Seriously, it didn't hurt anywhere near what I thought it would. It does hurt/ache now and is pretty 

sore but to be honest I've dealt with the same from self-harming healing times before.. I spent the whole of yesterday playing around with ideas and designs before I saw something that was similar to this on Google and made a load of changes and made it mine :) It's so my Nan though, gardening was her life and being the 'old school' chick that she was she adored red roses.. very 'typical' of course. She is my heart. Was my heart in way too many ways.. I love her so much still and I am kinda ashamed I never did this for her when she was still alive so she got to see it - I know she would have loved it like I do - .I'm going to the chapel of rest tomorrow night. I'm kinda worried.. I know logically she's dead, and gone.. but that doesn't stop me expecting a call or a visit.. more gossip from the family, going's on and usual things. I miss her but I still can't truely believe she's gone. It doesn't feel real.

Please Release Me && Let Me Go

I am pathetic.
I have just spent nearly 3 hours crying and listening to one of the songs thats to be played at my Nan's funeral..

>>> <<<<

This one.

This is so my Nan.

On YouTube there's a cover by Elvis Presley which I am pretty sure I heard her playing once when I was visiting her.. 

I miss her so much already. It seems so unfair. I know as she was ill it's not fair for me to still want her to be here with that, but I want to be selfish for now, I need her here with me. I feel lost with her gone. I've lost sight of everything.. It feels like she was the glue holding the rest of my failures together and it's only now I'm realizing just how much I've failed and how much I've failed her. I was never good enough for her and she still didn't care <3

I need her back.

I Miss You! ♥

  

Yesterday it was a week and I still can't quite believe it, despite your illness you were always so dependably there - I know there was difficulties and disagreements about me being your 'favorite' I know you loved us all. I suppose what makes me special is that

 you chose to love me when you didn't have to. 

Is it ridiculous to cry as much as I am even though I'm still expecting/waiting on a call from someone to say they were wrong and your not gone at all..

I don't want to be without you like this. 

I want one of your hugs. 

I don't feel safe without you around. 

I have no promises to keep now.

I love you Nanny, please come back. 

Too Much..

My Nan died yesterday, I tried to spend a good day with my boyfriend teaching him how to cook [something more than toast :)] but I ended up on and off with flashbacks all day. We tried to settle to talk this evening and more flashbacks, more tears. And finally admitted to my boyfriend about what I've been thinking about; Suicide.
It seems like a good option.
All I can think about it hurting myself.
I'm doing more harm to anyone else than good.
My sister's on her way to getting support - the other two already get support.
I'm hurting way too much now. 
I truly can't take anymore.
I think I have to, to save other people, the longer I live the more people get hurt around me.
I think I'm the one causing this - yet I still don't know how.


I've had enough.
I do deserve everything I got/get but I can't do this anymore.
There is no other way out.
I will go to the funeral, I have to at least say goodbye to my Nan properly. 
- I feel guilty that I wasn't there when she died. 

R.I.P Nanny

I received bad news today.


My Nan has died. 
3rd March 2011 at 4:45pm.


I love you so much, I'm sorry for everything!


And now I'm here, all alone in my flat. 
Having to deal with this. 


I miss you already.
I'm sorry about the broken promises. 
I wish I'd came to see you more.


Please don't leave me
Come back.
I need you.

Cycle Of This Life Must End Now.

Back when my Nan was young, things that are considered abuse was normal. Due to her illnesses she was abusive to my Mum and Uncles, physically and emotionally. Not that being ill is an excuse - but she thought my Mum was the devil and things, tried beating the 'evil' out of her. When my Mum was very ill still and getting some of her first memories back, she had some memories of being touched inappropriately [sexually] when she would have been very young - about 5 years. By her father. This was clarified by her elder brother - who had caught him at times and being older understood it more. It was hard to hear. Horrible in fact. My Grandad died when my Mum was 12 so I've never met him and before my Mums illness and these memories he was a kind of 'hero' in the family. My Mum always considered herself a 'Daddies Girl' although never seemed able to explain why this was the case. I've been thinking about this alot recently. It explains so much. The way she was with me, our relationship, the problems and differences in abilities of parenting from my Mum and my Dad, but with Mum being the one at home all the time. Dad wasn't about enough to make up for the way Mum was. And then he was never mine anyway. My Mum, completely unintentionally [I think] messed me up - and since all this came to light it's all made so much more sense and logic - BUT I am worrying about my own future so much more since this all came out. Now, I know my Mum loves me, I know she cares - in her own way. I understand that most of the anger wasn't actually caused by me, I just seemed to be someone who triggered it off. I know that now.. but at 5 when my Mum wouldn't look at me for weeks, when Mum would send me to Nan's because she couldn't cope with me and my little sister at the same time.. at 7 when she would scream and shout and tell me she hated me, that I'd ruined her life and any chances of her making anything of herself, that she just wanted me to go, still spending so much time at my Nan's. At 9, trying to kill myself, hurting myself, hitting my head on walls, punching things, feeling like I was gonna break but that it didn't matter because Mum hated me anyway. Meeting J, falling apart more. But then I was sick, evil, twisted little girl who was hated by everybody. Why would I expect any different; even if he did promise to be my best friend. Getting off track now, but you know what I mean.
I'm worried that despite all my best intentions I will end up screwing up my children. I don't have any yet and no plans anytime soon, but I cant help but think and worry that that's how it will be with my children. That I'll be so focused on my own pain I'll lash out at whoever's closest. I don't wanna mess up my children. I want this all to stop. I wanna stop this cycle here.