More Weight Loss.

I weigh myself in the morning; like most people do I'm sure..I'd lost another 3 pounds this morning.. so it's already 7 pounds in these 2 days. I should be happy? I am pleased that I've done this well already, but it's a bit like homework from school that you get a good grade on; sure you feel good about it, but it kinda feels like an expectation..One thing down, lets move onto the next thing.. MY expectations which to be honest, through my extremely high standards will  be likely to be hell to keep up with.. Why am I pushing for more.. I'd like to lose 14 pounds this week.. And then again the same for next week. I'd promised myself that I wouldn't let this get out of control; sometimes I just don't care anymore.. but even when I do I can't help but think that I NEED to lose weight anyway, I am overweight.. very overweight..Plus with everything such a mess at the moment..In my life; In my head.. It's actually quite the relief..in some ways. I don't like the dizziness or headaches..Nor the hunger generally.. BUT I will deal with them just because I have too.. I don't think it's a choice anymore, I really want to say that this isn't going to get out of control like I've been insisting to my friends. 

But now.. I'm not so sure anymore.

One Week Today.

One week today and I don't think I'm really feeling it, I know I should be feeling terrible today, 

scared, panic.. the works, but I'm not. I'm not really feeling anything.. quite spaced out, dissociated. 

I don't even remember if I slept for long, I feel tired, but thats been pretty constant recently, as well as this intense pounding headache. Maybe it's because I havent eaten, maybe because I haven't slept, I don't really know, I don't remember and I don't really want to remember.. When I woke my pillow was soaked, so I cried last night, I sobbed and I don't remember it. 

I've had enough of feeling such a mess.. it's not fair really.. I can't do it anymore.. I'm barely functioning and not remembering so much time.. losing time and this dreamy-ness hasn't been so bad for ages, I know that these upcoming appointments are probably scaring the fuck out of me so maybe triggering things.. but how am I supposed to make it better when I don't know? When I can't remember? When I am actually completely unpresent at the time??

I'm scared I'm going to start hurting myself dissociated again.. scared that without my present thought I'm not going to be able to stop me. Scared that I wont want to stop myself. 

Scared of what I'm experiencing and remembering..

I'm scared but don't know what of.

Post-Christmas ♥

So. Over. Finished. Complete.
Yet I feel so ergh over having so nothing to occupy me now.. the last few weeks have been so occupied with sorting out christmas and trying to sort out what I was doing this year.. I'm not sure about new years yet, I think maybe some more time with the family? Hmm.. More thought is needed!! This ergh-ness is getting me down, all day I've been back home and most of what I can think about is cutting. All I wanna do is cut.. and yet I don't really know why. I've felt worse then this before and normally it takes so much for me to need to, let alone for me to give in and do it. I was hoping I'd feel better once it was all over but it doesn't seem like that's whats going to happen. I'm so confused.. I want all the shit thats in my head to go away.. for everything to just fuck off and leave me alone. I dont wanna sit here and remember these things. These things that hurt so much. Damn you memory! Struggle to remember the good times yet you have no problem remembering the bad times.. I'm back to fasting tomorrow.. and although thats a relief I know it's gonna be hard to do it again, after eating more normally over christmas.. I have eaten a little today, but without exercise; it's all gonna be thrown back in together tommorow so hopefully I'll feel better for that. We'll see. I know I feel like a failure for eating and 'giving in' over christmas but I'm hoping it wont take me too long to re-lose it, well.. I can hope, just gotta keep hope I suppose. Hoping everyone else has had a good Christmas.. I know this can be a really hard time of year for others aswell.

Ergh.

Today, is just one of those days. It's closer and closer to christmas all the time, and I am completely freaking out over it all.. Its not just the food/eating part.. it's all of it, the social part terrifies me! I have such social anxiety but it causes problems because my family decide I'm being 'anti-social' it's stupid but I don't really feel like I can explain to them. I'd feel stupid at my age [although age has nothing to do with it] saying that seeing people freaks me out, the whole making conversation, small talk, all the usual social graces; fear is imminent! Plus at christmas people are so unbelievably touchy-feely, I mean seriously, does someone need to touch me whilst there talking to me?! Is it normal? Am I the only person who finds this beyond point of coping? To be fair it is generally just the older generations who are like that to an excessive extent. But either way I end up having to deal with them the most since I left my parents home as they don't get to see me as much, therefore they seem to use this as a chance to completely bombard me with questions and opinions on my life. Ergh. Then we get onto the food. :/ I HATE this time of year, I'm gaining weight already because of all the stupid meets with everyone else that happens around christmas and I'm hating it so much. There will be more weight gain before the week is out and I'm struggling so hard to cope with it.. I'm using every trick in the book to try and get out of eating but they've got an answer for everything. It really makes me wonder if I've really been avoiding food for so long that theres nothing they can't work around! I've already figured out my food/exercise plan for the two weeks after and needless to say it's gonna be fairly strict. Try and lose the stuff I've gained and then continue to lose once I'm back on track. Damn. This has definately not been my week weight wise.. so much anxiety about it all though.. I'm so fed up of being fat and it's killing me to know that I can't really do anything about it till next week. :/ On top of everything else I'm still so fucking damn tired. Stupid, stupid brain. Sort it out for gods sake. I want my life back.