Binge :/

Had an idiotic binge last night/this morning, so have spent a hell of a lot of today in my bathroom with sickness and diarrhea [food induced of course]. I KNOW how fucking sensitive my stomach is when fasting and I still let my emotions get the better of me and control me enough into a binge.. I don't know how to stop feeling so sick. I know that fasting for a week and then binging for a day and then fasting, binging, fasting. Is not a good cycle.. I KNOW this. Yet I still don't seem able to keep myself from it. I hate myself enough at the moment, without what the scales are going to say on top of it all. At least when I'm fasting I felt pretty in control of it all and the weight loss gave me both achievement and motivation. Meh. Todays a shit day.

And So The Struggle Continues..

I feel shit today; and I'm really truely feeling it..

As such, I've ended up bingeing and now  and

tommorrow, I do already and will  feel absolutely 

shit when I most probably will gain weight. 

I did a huge work out - but I dont think it will be 

enough to fix this..

 Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

I dont wanna hurt like this. 

It's not fair.

I'm fed up, I'm scared, I'm so

fucking scared.He's had so much of my life, 

and even after leaving it physically, he still has me.. 

still as much control, causing as much pain as ever;

if not more because I didn't remember most of it as it was happening..

I did say stop.

I keep trying to tell myself..

*It's not my fault, it's not my fault* but then..

 .. why does it feel like it is?

I cant remember a time before this.

More Weight Loss.

I weigh myself in the morning; like most people do I'm sure..I'd lost another 3 pounds this morning.. so it's already 7 pounds in these 2 days. I should be happy? I am pleased that I've done this well already, but it's a bit like homework from school that you get a good grade on; sure you feel good about it, but it kinda feels like an expectation..One thing down, lets move onto the next thing.. MY expectations which to be honest, through my extremely high standards will  be likely to be hell to keep up with.. Why am I pushing for more.. I'd like to lose 14 pounds this week.. And then again the same for next week. I'd promised myself that I wouldn't let this get out of control; sometimes I just don't care anymore.. but even when I do I can't help but think that I NEED to lose weight anyway, I am overweight.. very overweight..Plus with everything such a mess at the moment..In my life; In my head.. It's actually quite the relief..in some ways. I don't like the dizziness or headaches..Nor the hunger generally.. BUT I will deal with them just because I have too.. I don't think it's a choice anymore, I really want to say that this isn't going to get out of control like I've been insisting to my friends. 

But now.. I'm not so sure anymore.

Feeling A Mess

 

I am hurting so much right now.. I can't even describe it.. 

It doesn't  seem real that I can feel like this; again. 

 

I feel so trapped, a bubble inside of me is refusing to burst. 

I'm trying to contain everything but at the same time,  

needing to appear completely fine to everyone else.

I can't stop thinking about cutting, or self-harm in general; 

overdosing, burning, hitting things, hitting myself.. Intrusively intense. 

The thoughts just will NOT leave my mind, constantly there,

thoughts, feelings, ideas and plans.. I feel so bad, I feel alone, 

I am scared!

I'm not eating, fasting if you like, controlling, enjoying the pain of 

hunger in some ways, fearing it in others.. feeling dizzy, light-headed 

and head-achey already, but I won't give in. I can't let go of this; 

My only lifeline. I lost 4 pounds during yesterday I found out this 

morning.. I can do this, I need to do this.

 Everything's that happened with him in stuck in my mind. 

On replay. Flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and nightmares.

Memories, painful, painful memories, all I can think is 

that I'm a SLUT. I know it, and everyone else knew it.

J knew it.. I know it's MY fault, I'm willing to take the blame,

I just need it to stop hurting me so much..

 

BUT I can't talk about it, I can't tell anyone. I can't ruin my silence.

It's the only thing holding me together - despite ripping me apart.

I don't have the strength to go through it all, to admit to it all..

Plus I need everyone to think I'm okay, that everythings fine, all

wonderful and dandy..

The word. Hurts so much, everyone says that it's a 'horrible

word for a horrible act' but it hurts, having people tell me

that I was raped, saying that word.. it's triggering, 

it's easier to not mention it.. I know I would say different

to anyone else who was in the same position but I just

don't wanna hear it.. I'm hurting too much right now..

 Suicide. It feels like the only way out. 

I don't want to hurt anymore, cry anymore,

cut anymore.. think and remember anymore.

But I always will whilst alive. 

I can't do this anymore.

Once I reach my goal weight.

I shall go.

I need to have this success before I leave,

so I'm not a complete failure.