Binge :/

Had an idiotic binge last night/this morning, so have spent a hell of a lot of today in my bathroom with sickness and diarrhea [food induced of course]. I KNOW how fucking sensitive my stomach is when fasting and I still let my emotions get the better of me and control me enough into a binge.. I don't know how to stop feeling so sick. I know that fasting for a week and then binging for a day and then fasting, binging, fasting. Is not a good cycle.. I KNOW this. Yet I still don't seem able to keep myself from it. I hate myself enough at the moment, without what the scales are going to say on top of it all. At least when I'm fasting I felt pretty in control of it all and the weight loss gave me both achievement and motivation. Meh. Todays a shit day.

And So The Struggle Continues..

I feel shit today; and I'm really truely feeling it..

As such, I've ended up bingeing and now  and

tommorrow, I do already and will  feel absolutely 

shit when I most probably will gain weight. 

I did a huge work out - but I dont think it will be 

enough to fix this..

 Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

I dont wanna hurt like this. 

It's not fair.

I'm fed up, I'm scared, I'm so

fucking scared.He's had so much of my life, 

and even after leaving it physically, he still has me.. 

still as much control, causing as much pain as ever;

if not more because I didn't remember most of it as it was happening..

I did say stop.

I keep trying to tell myself..

*It's not my fault, it's not my fault* but then..

 .. why does it feel like it is?

I cant remember a time before this.