Feeling A Mess

 

I am hurting so much right now.. I can't even describe it.. 

It doesn't  seem real that I can feel like this; again. 

 

I feel so trapped, a bubble inside of me is refusing to burst. 

I'm trying to contain everything but at the same time,  

needing to appear completely fine to everyone else.

I can't stop thinking about cutting, or self-harm in general; 

overdosing, burning, hitting things, hitting myself.. Intrusively intense. 

The thoughts just will NOT leave my mind, constantly there,

thoughts, feelings, ideas and plans.. I feel so bad, I feel alone, 

I am scared!

I'm not eating, fasting if you like, controlling, enjoying the pain of 

hunger in some ways, fearing it in others.. feeling dizzy, light-headed 

and head-achey already, but I won't give in. I can't let go of this; 

My only lifeline. I lost 4 pounds during yesterday I found out this 

morning.. I can do this, I need to do this.

 Everything's that happened with him in stuck in my mind. 

On replay. Flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and nightmares.

Memories, painful, painful memories, all I can think is 

that I'm a SLUT. I know it, and everyone else knew it.

J knew it.. I know it's MY fault, I'm willing to take the blame,

I just need it to stop hurting me so much..

 

BUT I can't talk about it, I can't tell anyone. I can't ruin my silence.

It's the only thing holding me together - despite ripping me apart.

I don't have the strength to go through it all, to admit to it all..

Plus I need everyone to think I'm okay, that everythings fine, all

wonderful and dandy..

The word. Hurts so much, everyone says that it's a 'horrible

word for a horrible act' but it hurts, having people tell me

that I was raped, saying that word.. it's triggering, 

it's easier to not mention it.. I know I would say different

to anyone else who was in the same position but I just

don't wanna hear it.. I'm hurting too much right now..

 Suicide. It feels like the only way out. 

I don't want to hurt anymore, cry anymore,

cut anymore.. think and remember anymore.

But I always will whilst alive. 

I can't do this anymore.

Once I reach my goal weight.

I shall go.

I need to have this success before I leave,

so I'm not a complete failure.

Headache :/

Soo. Striding on into a new year and new start! [bullshit!] 

New start, does not mean new start, will people be getting their police records cleared? There memories zapped? Freedom of speech, expression and whatever else? Will there be sudden miracles - Cures found for diseases and illnesses? People told there terminally ill getting news of it being a mistake. No.  Of course not. Just because I know have to remember 2011 when I date things, because I'll spend a couple of months screwing things up because I continue to put 2010 without meaning to.. Does not mean that these memories will disappear, it does not mean I will be anymore trusting of people who's very jobs make it neccessary for them to have my trust. I will not want to kill/hurt myself anymore or get into debt and other trouble through being so high I feel untouchable. I will not magically be able to make and take phone calls without the anxiety just like I will not suddenly stop waking up screaming from my nightmares. I realise I that I took the point out of what it actually means, I think for a lot of people it can be a good motivator to make change; to lose weight, start an exercise regime, Start a new career, take a further step in a relationship. Thats all well and good; but I've spent ALL YEAR trying to make changes, all year managing my struggles alone, all year trying to manage my feelings, thoughts and mood swings.. What I really want is a year off. To have someone else take the reins [although I doubt I'd cope with that either] from me, and manage these things for me. I know that's not going to happen and I will continue as best I can to move on/move forward. What I really want is for someone to say; I can erase all the bits of memory you want me to get rid of. Theres now a magic pill or something that wont make me fat and physically ill that will 100% sort out my moods.. Unrealistic, but hey, who said wishes had to be.

Last Night.

Other then struggling to cope, not wanting to admit to myself I couldn't cope plus the fact that I was allowing myself to enter a year I did not want to be in or even have in the distance of my vision; I am here. Of course I dealt with it by getting completely and utterly trashed. Embarrassing myself totally; being filmed being a idiot, phoning people to declare them a "Merry Birthday."  I was pretty far gone. Which isn't something I do/let myself do much because I fear being out of control. But even through my drunken state and subconsious, I refused to see and insisted it was not New Year's - something my Dad and sisters found highly amusing! - Even in my out of mind state, I didn't want it to be New Years. *Sigh* I had such a headache this morning so spent most of the day asleep, tucked up in bed trying to sleep and thinking about how nice it'd be to sleep. The saddest thing is other people seem to think I was so positively looking forward to see the New Year in.  

Meh. I want to cut. Really badly. Bleed so much I feel dizzy. I'm feeling so triggered right now.