A Needed Good Letter :)

So, I recieved a wonderful letter in the post this morning.. they have fucked up my payments for the last 20 months so now owe me.. wait for it.. £4099.85. Seriously.. how the fuck do you mess up that much.. I'm not exactly fussed, because I managed and now am going to have all my moving flats money pretty much sorted, but again.. maybe up to £1000 I could understand, the rates change all the fucking time and they take forever to remember to higher your amount paid.. but over £4000.. as happy as I am.. I needed this, I needed something good.. for the first time in quite a while :) Still tired, still stressed, worried, dissociated and fucked in the head.. but now I can be all that without the bills breathing down my neck. Hopefully it could mean a pretty good new beginning.. a re-vamp of my life.

I Should Be Happy.

I feel like I'm doing everything I should be doing, getting up in the mornings, getting dressed, washing, going for walks, talking to people about pointlessly irrelevant shit and not self-harming, not trying to kill myself and trying to avoid thinking about and planning my death.. I'm not crying in public, I'm being told how well I'm doing and that I'm managing fantastically.. and I thank them and say I am trying thanks for noticing, but my hearts not in it. I really don't feel like I am okay, like I am better or even like things have particularly improved. I realise to some extent they must have for me to be functioning better in terms of pretending that everything is okay, but I don't feel okay, I don't feel happy. People keep saying it must be such a relief to be feeling better now, but I'm not. I'm not happy. I'm waiting for this rush, this sudden emotion that I seem to have forgotten how to feel and it's still not here. I feel like I'm wearing a mask, to get people off of my back I am doing to basics, functioning enough for people to leave me alone and nag me about generally being a waste of space.. but I want to feel it! Some people said, that I'd feel happier if I put the 'effort' in, if I 'got off my ass and did something' that it wasn't just going to turn up, I am doing everything I can, I can't do anymore at this point and even though that upsets me, I still just want what I've been promised in a way.. stop self-harming, attempting suicide, look after yourself better and you'll be happy. I'm trying this. I'm doing this. And I'm still not happy. I feel like a failure. Like a fraud. I want this happiness everyone talks so highly of. I want the 19 years odd that I'm due of happiness.. Why should life have to be unfair, why do I not get any, I'm young, I know, but I don't wanna think that the rest of my life I'll just have to 'get by' I wanna enjoy life, I wanna be happy. I'm fed up of just 'getting by'..

One Week Today.

One week today and I don't think I'm really feeling it, I know I should be feeling terrible today, 

scared, panic.. the works, but I'm not. I'm not really feeling anything.. quite spaced out, dissociated. 

I don't even remember if I slept for long, I feel tired, but thats been pretty constant recently, as well as this intense pounding headache. Maybe it's because I havent eaten, maybe because I haven't slept, I don't really know, I don't remember and I don't really want to remember.. When I woke my pillow was soaked, so I cried last night, I sobbed and I don't remember it. 

I've had enough of feeling such a mess.. it's not fair really.. I can't do it anymore.. I'm barely functioning and not remembering so much time.. losing time and this dreamy-ness hasn't been so bad for ages, I know that these upcoming appointments are probably scaring the fuck out of me so maybe triggering things.. but how am I supposed to make it better when I don't know? When I can't remember? When I am actually completely unpresent at the time??

I'm scared I'm going to start hurting myself dissociated again.. scared that without my present thought I'm not going to be able to stop me. Scared that I wont want to stop myself. 

Scared of what I'm experiencing and remembering..

I'm scared but don't know what of.

Binge.

Ergh. Binge. Now I feel sick.

But I can't, I shouldn't purge.

But I feel so sick already..

Is just this once okay?

This once not count..

I really do feel sick..

I really can't stand feeling this full..

Not used to my binge's like I used to be.

I hate feeling sick.

Ergh..