Feeling Ill.

God I feel so fucking ill :( very VERY sad face!
I ate for the first time in days wondering if I was feeling ill because of not eating but apparently that wasn't the problem and now on top of feeling ill I've got fucking diarrhea aswell..
God, my body is so useless!
I feel tired, sick, headachey and I now can't stay out of the toilet.
Thanks a fucking lot.
Plus.. did this really have to occur whilst I am on my period?!
Physically I am so damn drained but I truly can't settle.
There's so much rushing around my head.
Refusing to shut up for long enough for me to drift off.

R.I.P Nanny

I received bad news today.


My Nan has died. 
3rd March 2011 at 4:45pm.


I love you so much, I'm sorry for everything!


And now I'm here, all alone in my flat. 
Having to deal with this. 


I miss you already.
I'm sorry about the broken promises. 
I wish I'd came to see you more.


Please don't leave me
Come back.
I need you.

Spending..

In an effort to cheer myself up I've spent money.. a LOT of money.. damn the stupid people for fucking things for so long, now having this money all at once makes it soo damn hard to not spend.. luckily, I'd already put a lot of it into my savings account. I should be receiving a; New 27" TV, Wii Fit game thingy and a new laptop :) I am happy I'm getting them, but I feel guilty despite the fact I shouldn't be.. *sigh* I really don't know what's going on in my head today.. On a more? positive note despite horrendous flashbacks and nightmares last night, I didn't cut again.

I Should Be Happy.

I feel like I'm doing everything I should be doing, getting up in the mornings, getting dressed, washing, going for walks, talking to people about pointlessly irrelevant shit and not self-harming, not trying to kill myself and trying to avoid thinking about and planning my death.. I'm not crying in public, I'm being told how well I'm doing and that I'm managing fantastically.. and I thank them and say I am trying thanks for noticing, but my hearts not in it. I really don't feel like I am okay, like I am better or even like things have particularly improved. I realise to some extent they must have for me to be functioning better in terms of pretending that everything is okay, but I don't feel okay, I don't feel happy. People keep saying it must be such a relief to be feeling better now, but I'm not. I'm not happy. I'm waiting for this rush, this sudden emotion that I seem to have forgotten how to feel and it's still not here. I feel like I'm wearing a mask, to get people off of my back I am doing to basics, functioning enough for people to leave me alone and nag me about generally being a waste of space.. but I want to feel it! Some people said, that I'd feel happier if I put the 'effort' in, if I 'got off my ass and did something' that it wasn't just going to turn up, I am doing everything I can, I can't do anymore at this point and even though that upsets me, I still just want what I've been promised in a way.. stop self-harming, attempting suicide, look after yourself better and you'll be happy. I'm trying this. I'm doing this. And I'm still not happy. I feel like a failure. Like a fraud. I want this happiness everyone talks so highly of. I want the 19 years odd that I'm due of happiness.. Why should life have to be unfair, why do I not get any, I'm young, I know, but I don't wanna think that the rest of my life I'll just have to 'get by' I wanna enjoy life, I wanna be happy. I'm fed up of just 'getting by'..