New Years Eve. ♥

As much as I'm trying to feel positive about this - reading back through yesterdays post regarding the last year - ♥ ♥ ♥  and how positive in ways I sound, how much progress, in some ways, I've made. I can't seem to shake of this horribly intense sense of terror, this forewarning of worse to come. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. I don't know. I just know that it won't leave me, at all. I am trying to look forward, truely, to this next year, like I said in before mentioned post;

I am not expecting a better year, because good things are just not handed to you. I will try and make myself a good year. For the first time in my life, I'm looking forward to trying; looking forward to this challenge.

But it's just not here.. I want this sooo bad. This positive attitude, this nothing can hurt me, no-one can knock me back down and I can and will succeed attitude to life. I know things are generally harder because I'm struggling at the moment. I suppose until today it didn't properly feel real, until now where I only have 5ish hours until its all over and done. I can't, won't let this ruin me but all these intense, unbelievable needs to hurt myself, to cut, to overdose, to hang until I black out and never have to think again. I HATE it so much when depression gets this way, when I am doing nothing but sleeping I can cope for the odd little hours I'm actually awake with the feelings/thoughts.. but now, when I can't sleep, can't focus and my mind is racing with thoughts/clips of my doing things.. flashbacks kicking off and then my emotions; I'm running out of useful energy to control myself. I have energy, but it's useless energy. It's the way I feel so often before I attempt. This agitated, sleepless low. The devils advocate, whispering in my ear, I don't really know what to do. It all seems so tempting, and after so long of feeling shit and having plans, having the energy to do something about it is torturing me. I want this pain, these feelings, these thoughts, to stop. I need them to stop. Dying seems like such a good option, a good plan and a good end to the year. I want to stay positive, I want to keep thinking about my family/friends.. but they don't know, they dont understand how I feel, what it's like to feel this way and I don't think I even have the words to explain, the words to describe.. I feel like I'm drowning. Suffocating inside myself.

I wrote this poem on the 29/12/09 -Trigger-SH/Suicide

Razor, razor,
Be my friend,
Take my life,
And make it end,
I need to die,
I need to go,
I need to lose,
What I cant show,
What I cant tell,
What I cant say,
The fact  I cant,
Wait another day,
To take each memory,
And my broken heart,
Bring them so close,
And rip them apart,
So close I can feel it,
To make it all stop,
To take all the pain,
Take everything I’ve got,
Take everything that hurts,
Everything in my head,
Take away the noose,
That’s laying by my bed,
Razor, razor,
I need a friend,
To take my life,
And make it end.

This was written around the same time in 2008

I want to meet with my shiny friend,
Who helped me through the years,
Who helped me with my suffering,
Collected so many tears,
My wanted friend will hurt me,
More then you ever will,
To release the way I’m feeling,
Release me from this harsh deal,
I want my friends pressure back,
Against my arm and wrist,
His strange way of healing,
I have sorely missed,
No words of comfort,
Just hit my pumped up vein,
Let the river flow fast,
I’ll be alright again,
I want to meet with my shiny friend,
Who helped me through the years,
Who helped me with my suffering,
And stopped my flow of tears.

And again in 2007.

I want to be an angel,
To wash away my sins,
Wash away the memories,
Of unforgettable things,
I want to stop the pain I feel,
The unrelenting tears,
To stop the harm I cause myself,
Protect me from my fears,
If I was an angel,
I could just fly away,
Not watch him hurt me,
All those planned out days,
I could just hide away,
I’d never see him grin,
Never hear him tell me that,
I’d be better thin,
Never have to feel his touch,
Never have to bleed,
If I was an angel
My soul would be freed.

2006 

As the memories come,
The tears flow fast,
All sense of reason,
Becomes a thing of the past,
Emotions are let loose,
Through my body they seep,
My life’s not worth enough,
For me to keep,
No options are left,
Only one thing to do,
I’m in the darkness hidden,
Only thing that stops me is you,
My hesitations enough,
The brick wall falls,
The options are back,
To help me stand tall.

2005

Alone in my room,
All is calm,
My special possessions,
Clasped in my palm,
Alone in my room,
Crying for you,
I’m living a lie,
And scared a bit too,
Alone in my room,
Prayers ignored,
Before me lies,
The faithful cord,
Alone in my room,
To no longer be,
To feel no more pain,
To no longer see,
Alone in my room,
A foot above the floor,
I gasp my last breath,
‘I’m Sorry’ to the door

The last 5 years. I have been hurting [actually longer but I only started writing in 2005] The last 5 years suicide and self-harm have been predominently on my mind. I wanted this year to be different. 

But it's not.

Hello New Year, I've Been Expecting You ♥

Well.. this year has been one hell of a challenge! 

♥ I have OD'd too many times to count, 

♥ I started being hospitalised [adult style ;)] repeatedly.  

♥ I had my first psychotic episode - which they now can't decide if it was - hearing voices, seeing things and believing the government were out to get me because I had secret information hidden in my subconsious that they wanted. 

♥ I had my first decent period of time without the abuse and therefore memories, flashbacks, dreams and thoughts went into overdrive worse then ever before.  

♥ I first told someone about the 'agreement' between me and my abuser.  

♥ Me and Mum getting closer, trying to try and work through some things.  

♥ Mum having an 'emotional' affair whilst she insists nothing physical happened.  
♥ Mum and Dad splitting up.. Mum and Dad getting back together.  

♥ My mum almost dying, spending 7 months between hospital and rehabilitation [I meanwhile developed and maintained an amazing relationship with the rest of my family -Dad and all 3 sisters- who all admitted -without her there- that Mum had made things harder in terms of having a relationship with me]  

♥ Struggled with Mum throughout her not remembering me [anyone, except Dad] her difficulties, lack of understanding, lack of empathy, lack of belief in how she 'used to be'    

♥ My first hypo/manic episode; spending nearly £2000 in under 2 months, reckless, overconfident and hyposexual - I pierced my own lip, I met strangers for sex [considering I don't like/enjoy sex] plus made a few relationships I already had difficult with either having/offering sex to them. I felt I was amazing, attractive, great in bed and how I had a theories about stuff regarding psychiatry and similar things.  

♥ I became catatonic. I didn't get out of bed for weeks. Lost a fair bit of weight. 

♥ Triggered both by my sexual behaviours when higher, flashbacks and the weight loss I started up alot of my ED behaviours without realising it, until I look back in hindsight and feel too lost/safe in them again to change despite knowing the risks.

I started the year being abused on rare occasions only,  self-harming constantly and attempting suicide was a means of escaping anything, I refused to acknowledge my abuse and rapes and the memories of my bullying. My relationships with my family, but mostly my Mum, were poor and I had abandonment issues with my best friend with put our relationship into such a seriousness that we for a while lost the fun of it. I constantly argued with my 'team' and refused to co-operate in a childish manner. I'd only had one care-co-ordinator and one psychiatrist at that point. At the beginning of this year, death was very much my only wish, I hadn't wanted to start the year and [unwillingly] passed many dates of which my death was welcome.

I'm ending the year saying I haven't been abused in nearly a year, I don't self-harm very often and I haven't attempted suicide [despite wanting to, feeling like I need to] in 7 odd months. I recognise my abuse and trauma and although can still be fairly dismissive of it [because I feel others have been through so much worse, so I shouldn't complain] I am willing to accept that due to it I do struggle with some things that other people might not and instead of seeing it as a weakness I know try to see it as something else to just work with/around. My relationships with my family are really pretty good, it's still up and down with my Mum but I refuse to let it get to me anymore and knowing she can't stop me seeing my sisters like she used to do, makes things easier. Me and my best friend have come from strength to strength, we have had many changes this year, and although there have been struggles, we're still here, out the other side, expecting more. I work hard to be honest with my team [although I struggle to talk to my psychiatrist cause he's a male] and I'm not perfect but it's improving. I'm ending this year now having got to my third care-co-ordinator and my second psychiatrist. I still think about suicide often/plan suicide all the time but I'm getting better at not following through with my thoughts and plans. I have made it this year past all my bad dates, all these anniversaries and even though I know I am once again the 'wrong' side of my worst month, I am hoping I can try and continue this through, because trying is all I can do. I am not expecting a better year, because good things are just not handed to you. I will try and make myself a good year. For the first time in my life, I'm looking forward to trying; looking forward to this challenge.

P.S. I also wanted to say that in this year, I haven't been on any medication for a sustained period due to me overdosing on it all the time and I haven't had any psychological intervention [just assessments; which recommended I have some!] at all within the year. All the improvements; as slight as they are. Were me. Just me and my effort and determination. (:

EDIT: P.P.S. I have never heard myself sound soo positive.. it's quite wierd cause I generally don't think like that, I'm normally extremely negative and pessamistic and I wouldn't say reading that back, that that's how it sounds/feels in my mind. No wonder I confuse my team. Meh. (:

Gone From My Mind;Back In 4 Minutes ♥

Last night and today have been incredibly hard, I have been crying and having flashbacks, trying to sleep but having nightmares. In consequence, I'm a physically tired, stroppy 'wannabe' teen who is thinking about and remembering things she'd really rather not and continues to be seriously tired because I'm too scared of the nightmares now to sleep [even though I couldn't if I wanted too]. I'm so FUSTRATED with myself; I thought I was dealing with/had dealt with this.. I thought things had gone away alot more.. now I'm still in a 'low' mood [still want to hurt myself, kill myself - whichever takes less effort, both seem like such a good idea right now] but I have energy - not proper energy mind you, stupid useless agitated energy, the kind where you move, jiggle your leg, tap your fingers etc.. I can't sleep, my mind is racing, I'm struggling to focus my attention [seriously this post has taken me all day, I just had to keep coming back to it] I've been trying to sort out my college stuff - fail. Organise my whole flat - fail. Yet, I have cleaned my sink and table [forgetting the rest] in my kitchen, my toilet and sink [forgetting the bath] and half organised my DVD collection [until I found a bouncy-ball!] I haven't listened to a full song in days and I can't even escape into a book like I'd normally try and do because I can only read a page before something distracts me. This is driving me mad. I'm ALL for distraction - brilliant, bring it on I'd normally say - but when I can't stick at any of these things for longer then a few minutes maybe 10 at most, then it doesn't work and doesn't help. I didn't realise [my support worker mentioned it] but I was completely unable to keep on track of our conversation, it kept jumping around and it took her alot of effort to keep me on task. I'm worried. I scared about having these thoughts and the energy to follow them through.. I really don't know what to do..

The Worst Month Of My Life *TRIG-Rape*

April 2004  13 years old

I got my first 'proper' boyfriend K, I say proper because I did find him attractive, I did like him and I didn't feel weird kissing him like I had with M [ex-boyfriend] despite the way things were with J. Things were okay; good okay, I was young things aren't supposed to be serious and complicated. I found out this month that my dad wasn't my biological father, I held it together carried my mum through her sorrow and upset and told my dad it didn't matter [but it did!] I was at K's house and we were alone, on his computer downstairs and messing around. I was joking around telling him he was gay when he flipped out, he pinned me against the wall and held my neck. He started unbuttoning my shirt [school uniform] and groped my breast then let me go. He turned back to the computer and acted as if nothing had happened. Later on he told me he had something to show me, took me upstairs and we sat for a while on his bed, he sorted out a movie and put it on. Typical teenage fashion - a movie comes on of course you have to start kissing - and that was fine. But then he started undoing my shirt again and despite me trying to stop him and telling him not to. He didn't listen, he sat on my legs and held my arms under his knees, he started groping my breasts again, but harder, he ran his hands down and over my stomach and then undid my trousers. I kept begging him, saying No but he wouldn't listen. He leant over the side of the bed and grabbed something silky and covered my eyes, terrified I started to completely freak out, he hit me and suddenly I found my hands being tied to his bed. I felt him pull my trousers down and with that, my underwear, he just touched me for a while then it stopped and the weight on the bed shifted. I thought maybe he'd gone and tried to untie myself with no luck but then he was back, he had taken his jeans and boxers off and he then joined me, I tried again to tell him not to, that I didn't want this, that he had to stop when he entered me. It hurt. Alot. I cried and kept telling him to stop and he kept telling me to shut up. Eventually he finished, and he sat on the bed and just said "I'm not gay" He untied me and left me to get dressed, within 10 minutes his mum was home and offered to take me home, I accepted, went home locked myself in the bathroom and cried under the shower.

The bullying from the group I was at school with finally came to a head, I hit the main one back after being beaten for an hour, once I did that, that group generally left me more alone. I was still being assaulted by other people, one girl tried to strangle me [in front of my sister] so everyone found out and the police were called, had to do statements and all that. So apart from her and another girl who didn't like me and punched me [and tried to strangle me] regularly I wasn't being beaten up by anyone other then J anymore.

Me and J argued, he didn't like K and K didn't like him, I was constantly trying to sort things out so they wouldn't kill each other. J didn't like the fact that K was my 'official' boyfriend and K didn't like how much J touched me and acted like he owned me. He knew I had dumped K but didn't know why and didn't know why I wouldn't tell him the 'truth' I'd told J that we'd argued and I'd just had enough of him generally. Which he was refusing to take as a reason. He stormed off somewhere and assuming he had left and feeling thankful he hadn't hit me, I sat down by the lake and just watched the water. Next thing I know I'm being pulled up, into a hug by J, at first he just hugged me, then he slid his hands, under my clothes onto my bum. I tried to pull away and he just undid my jeans, and tried to get them off. I was objecting and trying to do them back up when he flicked my feet from under me so I was on the floor, before I regained what I was doing he tugged down my jeans and pulled them off [I can't even recall where my shoes were] I begged him, "No, please no J, please don't, you dont have to do this, please"  I screamed. He hit me, he hit me so hard and told me if he heard another sound out of me he would make sure I never made it home tonight. He pulled down his joggers and boxers and roughly thrust into me. Only once it was all over and done with did I cry. I called for someone I've never wanted before in my life - My mum. He put his arms around me and said he was sorry, he said it would never happen again, but I'd annoyed him and I was looking too attractive and that he couldn't stop himself. He said to let him help me but I ignored him and rolled on my side, eventually he left and I tried to get home. I'd lost my phone out there, I don't recall where it went at all and I was late. I got home and as soon as I was through the door my mum was shouting at me for being late, then shouting some more when I told her I'd lost my phone. This time I went up, locked myself in the bathroom and sat cutting under the shower. He promised me it wouldn't happen again but it did. Within the next week. And then again and again. Increasing quickly until it was almost everyday. I don't remember most of them. I remember about 5ish times mostly I just recall waking up the next day or later on in the day and feeling/knowing like I had. [Girls just know when they've had sex, I'm sure it can't just be me] and having a completely blank periods increasingly often in my memory.

My self-harming increased dramatically and my friends noticed, my school work and behaviour slipped and the teachers noticed. I had people asking me again and again. What was wrong with me, why was I acting so different, so weird. I started attempting suicide regularly and got into an argument with a religious girl in my tutor when she'd noticed the bruises around my neck from a rope and told me I was going to hell. One teacher noticed marks on my neck and asked about them and I said it was an accident, another asked and insisted they looked self-inflicted and I told her my mum was sorting something out.

My then ex-boyfriend K had been sexually harrassing/assaulting/raping other girls in my year and so one of the teachers was talking to these girls, for some reason my name came up and I was called into her office to 'talk' I wanted to, but couldn't tell her, considering it was all my fault! I'd put myself in both situations and I annoyed them both. :/They believed something was up and contacted my mum to talk to me about it and in her tact she said to me "The school called about you and some boy, If I find out you've been being a slut my girl, you are beyond in trouble, so, have you got anything to say??" Hopefully it's needless to say that I didn't tell her.

On top of everything else, just to make all matters that bit worse. I started my period that month too.

My Love For You Is Only Overshadowed By My Hate ♥

My mum. Things have always been incredibly up and down regarding my relationship with my mum. We are very similar personality-wise so 'clash' as my mother used to call it. I don't particularly see the similarities too much; she is selfish, self-centred, pigheaded, wannabe know it all who has intense anger problems and distrust of 'professionals' She is also stubborn, likes to have the the last word is controlling and obsessive.. in regards the last sentence I am like her. I am stubborn and I do prefer to have the last word. I do like to be in control -but I control myself excessively and damagingly- whereas she likes to control other people and everything else. My mother is a dramatic 'actor' she never saw anything wrong with turning on the tears/anger if she felt that situation was required or if she felt she was in some way losing control of what/who ever she was trying it on. It was a miracle if, despite the fact she ignored my issues and never saw them fit for help, she did not cry with other members of the family and neighbours/ANYONE WHO WOULD LISTEN.. about how she had a screw up for a daughter, how hard it was for her to have to deal with my suicide attempts and self-harm. How she had been unable to get me to eat for 'soo long' and how terribly stressful it was for her and how she felt she was getting ill herself. I am not denying that it must be hard and stressful to have your child struggling like that but I think it was harder knowing she knew what I was doing and was still completely ignoring it and still refusing to get me any support. I have had countless plates, chairs, knifes, ornaments thrown at me/in my direction. I tried to tell her once, before I actually attempted suicide, about how I was feeling but it ended up being a conversation about her and her difficulties and firstly, how I didn't know the meaning of struggling, and secondly, how to be honest I could just go ahead because she didn't care, no-body cared and it would actually be a relief for her. Needless to say, I went ahead. I can remember when I was 9, I tried to kill myself for the first time, I stole my dad's tie, tied one end to my wardrobe bar and the other around my neck; I don't really remember how well I'd actually done it, I can remember having a headache and my eyes going funny and a 'rushing' in my ears [from further experience it doesn't seem like I'd actually done too badly despite my age and lack of knowledge] My mum found me untied and took it off of me and picked me up and threw me on my bed, shouting that I was a complete idiot and what would the neighbours/school/family think of her. She looked through my clothes drawers and found my polarneck top and told me I was too wear that until she said I could take it off. I don't remember marks but I'm assuming there was. In terms of good moments the only one I can remember from when I was living at home still, was when I was in a complete mess, I'd self-harmed quite badly, couldn't stop crying and vomiting and still kept having flashbacks; she actually asked me how to help! not for a parent the bestest answer ever but the best I'd ever had yet, I told her I wanted my friend H, and [which suprised me even more] she actually got hold of her and got her to come over. Okay, within days she was going on to everyone about how her daughter hated her and refused to talk to her about how things really were, preferring to talk to her friends, how I was shutting her out of my life and that she didn't know what to do anymore [with I'm sure, plenty of tears]. My mum could be physical - although it wasn't a regular occurance - I can only really recall a handful of times when she'd actually hit me, although generally my dad would get involved before it got to that point and I would [once again] be kicked out and not allowed back until mum saw fit. I can remember there was this time where I'd spent 3 nights out in our local woods/common because mum just was not calming down. I had a CAMH's session that day and without meaning to it was mentioned. Obviously she was concerned but I just laughed it off and said I was sure mum would have calmed down by now, but she made me promise that I would be going 'home' that night, and that she would call my mum; I kinda freaked, and said it was fine, I could/would sort it out but typically she got involved, plus informed social services [I know their kinda obliged to do it but I couldn't help thinking it'd just made things worse]. When I got back that night, my mum completely flipped out at me, "for one telling things that should 'remain within the family' to outsiders and if that wasn't bad enough I'd told a fucking professional! Plus that I was every name under the sun and again she regretted having me because I did nothing but ruin her life, and I did nothing but ruin her figure"

Then she pushed me, pulled me onto the floor and pretty much just layed into me. Until my dad pulled her off of me and told me to go to my room. The only other time that I remember specifically was not long after she told me about my dad not being my biological father, and me telling her she was a slut [because she said she didn't know who my real father was] she slapped me so hard I actually saw stars, and I can remember being amazed that that could actually happen then just walked out.. My friend was waiting for me on the wall outside, and he took me back to his to try and sort it out. It still bruised and I had my mothers handprint on my face for almost a week.. Luckily [I suppose] I naturally have red cheeks so once the purple had gone it wasn't too bad. I missed that weeks CAMH's appointment. My mum has been really ill recently, as in on life support kinda ill. It was a heart condition -hereditory, which coincidently I have too, thanks mum :/- that caused it and she ended up with brain damage including very bad memory problems. Now my mum can't remember half of anything she's done/said to me. In fact probably even less then half, she can barely remember any of it. So now I hate someone for things that she can't remember doing and under her new temperament [she's changed one hell of alot] wouldn't even dream of or imagine herself doing. I had finally got myself to a point where I wanted to talk through these things with her, if she refused then I'd know that I tried, if she agreed then great, hopefully we could resolve some issues. Win, win I thought. Then she got ill. I put it all on hold, wait till she's better, now it's 7 months down the line and her memory issues are still bad. She still can't remember much at all so dicussing these things would be pointless. So now what do I do? I've got so much in my head, all her hate, the anger she felt for me and the questions that come with it.. generally why kinda questions. Why did you treat me like that? Why do you treat me so different to the other girls? Why do you hate me so much? etc. So yeah, I have questions. And still no way of getting answers. I love her. Still. Despite everything. [Which annoyingly enough seems to be a bit of a trend with me] and I always will. I just can't see our relationship getting any better/closer if I can't resolve this stuff in my head. Doctors have said even if theres improvement she's unlikely to get many memories back. That she's always going to be different to how she was before. Being different is not the problem - it's actually brilliant, she's such a nicer, kinder person in some ways; in other ways she's still arkwardly difficult and controlling but whatever, it's not in the same league as before. I'm still stuck with it all though. In my head.. why was I never good enough? Never smart, funny, pretty, thin enough.. Plus how can someones mother appear to hate them so much..

'Professionals,' Stupid Advice && Struggling To Cope ♥

I recieved my first comment (: Does it make me slightly pathetic to be this happy about it? XD ClinicallyClueless ♥ I can offically LOVE YOU forever now (:

Okay, so slightly random note outta the way (: Things were bad today, still, but I think after reading my comment I felt a little more positive in trying to work through my [plentiful] techniques, I feel awful in some ways to know that people can relate, and in some ways the relief that some people can makes me feel sick about myself.. because in that I am asking that people have been through some truely horrific things. Obviously thats not quite what I mean but I still feel bad about it. I am not going to be blind-sighted over it all; things things DO happen, and they happen with a frequency that is digusting in the terms of how many people think it's okay to do it. I'm not sure what other people find useful with flashbacks, but I generally use distraction. With my old therapist we had a couple of 'games' we would play; either working our way through the different senses trying to name between 3-5 things for each, or keeping my eyes closed trying to name things that are in the room [without peeking] or she'd ask specific questions like "What colour is the chair by the door".. which we did depended on how much more triggering it would have been for me to keep my eyes closed for a longer period. Obviously without someone else who knows me well enough, I struggle to generally catch myself before I completely slip into it, I'm sometimes too far gone for these kinda things to work. If I'm truely honest, I find hurting myself tends to be a fairly good way of 'bringing myself back' but I don't like resorting to that, either to bring myself out or to deal with the pain after.. I'm trying to deal with things with 'positive coping strategies' but they never seem to work/help like the negative ones do.. it's not fair.. Any ideas or ways other people have/use would be incredibly welcome! I'm so beyond fed up with being told that I'm CHOOSING to continue these negative behaviours, and although in some ways, yes, of course I am choosing to do this but then what else am I supposed to do. If they keep having to  get the police bringing me into the psych ward they wouldn't be amused but despite that instead of trying to help me cope without attempting suicide, they choose to get stroppy over ways that do help me cope. Ergh. If I have another idiot 'professional' tell me to take a bath and have a hot drink I will scream. It takes a hell of a lot for me to admit to ANYONE that I've 'lost control' and that I need help, if I'm asking for help I am so far beyond 'having a bath and hot drink' if I'm asking for help, I truely truely need it, I need support, right then and there because if I come away from my attempt to get help with stupid, unhelpful [for that time] advice I am pretty much definately going to do something. Then after all of that, I get told my 'attempt' was stupid, impulsive and that I need to learn to ASK FOR HELP! Omg, I am going to kill that stupid pathetic excuse for an AMHP! For one, it's never stupid if that's how you feel/felt, two, it was not impulsive; it took me weeks, maybe even months to get to this point and you dare to tell me I didn't think it over enough, three, I fucking did ask for help and to be fair, when I have a bazillion tablets right in front of me, I definately need more then to be told to have a bath. I do realise that I am sooo negative alot of the time, I'm sorry, I really am but things have been getting steadily worse again and I'm struggling to see the light at the end of this tunnel anymore. - Just a quick note those comments I got from the AMHP was over 6 months ago.. It just still annoys me so much -
I am struggling so much, yet no-one wants to hear it, I'm moving at some point next year, will be possibly dropping my CPN and I absolutely hate my psych [not exactly a change for next year, except I will have to start communicating with him myself which is going to be problematic] . I did not self-harm today, despite the flashbacks and everything.. although I did fast and walked 18miles so I suppose it would depend on your perspective on whether thats a positive thing or not.. I hate my team but have already been through so many [through no fault of my own] that I am not able to change in any way again anytime soon. I also wonder if anyone else has had the confusion of loving/hating there abuser? Sorry again for all the negativity :/

Rip My Heart Apart && Tear Up My Soul.

I've been having flashbacks intensely in the last few hours, this has been the first proper break I've had from them where I have calmed my crying enough to see, my breathing to not feel light-headed and my shaking to a point where I can actually type. Man. This sucks, I haven't had it like that for a while.. [when I say a while I mean a week] and it always hurts extra every time it reoccurs. It used to be like this constantly, so I can see the progress in only normally having maybe one this bad a week, maybe even once a fortnight. My head is pounding. My heart is pounding.. I'm shivering and shaking and damn, I wanna cut so much!! Seriously.. I don't know what to do, I'm fed up of all this, please help me. Why did all this shit have to happen to me! To be fair, why does this kinda stuff happen at all!! When does someone ever think - "you know what even if someone says 'No' they don't actually mean it" Crying? - putting it on.. Throws up after - just weak. Im tired, I'm tired and fed up of this all being in my head, just go away. GO AWAY! Please. I can't take anymore, it all hurts so soo much. Remembering him, feeling him, smelling him. It's not fair,  I don't wanna do this anymore. I can't keep feeling like this. Why can't I just forget. I don't wanna know how much of everything is my fault, I can't take it, the pain and pressure. Building. Built inside me. I feel sick. I'm scared. I don't know how to make this better anymore. Nothing helps anymore! Please just stop..

♥ T- I Love You Soo Much ♥

Dear Rainbow,
You are my best friend and although our lives have changed in some ways I still need you like
I first needed you. I love you, that will never change. Please be my dude forever? I know
your trying and we're all proud of your efforts.
Don't be disheartened by little slips. You wouldn't be our S, our bestest dude if you weren't you; we love you; quirks and all (:
Never Forget that and never give up. ♥
T
xoxox

This is a little note from my best friend recieved on the 23rd Dec 10. Things have been hard between us this year due to her getting a 'serious' boyfriend and her struggling to fit the time she had between us. In typical Borderline fashion I at first threw complete fits "because she didn't like/love me anymore, didn't/wouldn't care if I died etc", couldn't cope with it and consequentely did some self-harming type things and refused to see her for a while. We've moved on from that, dealt with it all, and she's proved [yet again] that she's here to stay. I love you so much T ♥ Thank you so much for everything despite the fact I can be soo unbelievably hard to work with. I'm stubborn and arkward and distrustful.. but I'm also loving, caring and extremely loyal. Please know that I'm only like this with you especially because you mean so fucking much to me.. I would hurt so much to lose you and this is what it felt like when you were choosing to be with other people instead of me. Silly I know, but I can't help how my brain works. I'm glad you can see through it all though. My best friend forever. My DUDE! I know that and you know that, but thanks for reminding me because we all know how much I forget these things in times of stress and freak-out.. ♥ You mean the world to me, please don't ever leave! ♥

Post-Christmas ♥

So. Over. Finished. Complete.
Yet I feel so ergh over having so nothing to occupy me now.. the last few weeks have been so occupied with sorting out christmas and trying to sort out what I was doing this year.. I'm not sure about new years yet, I think maybe some more time with the family? Hmm.. More thought is needed!! This ergh-ness is getting me down, all day I've been back home and most of what I can think about is cutting. All I wanna do is cut.. and yet I don't really know why. I've felt worse then this before and normally it takes so much for me to need to, let alone for me to give in and do it. I was hoping I'd feel better once it was all over but it doesn't seem like that's whats going to happen. I'm so confused.. I want all the shit thats in my head to go away.. for everything to just fuck off and leave me alone. I dont wanna sit here and remember these things. These things that hurt so much. Damn you memory! Struggle to remember the good times yet you have no problem remembering the bad times.. I'm back to fasting tomorrow.. and although thats a relief I know it's gonna be hard to do it again, after eating more normally over christmas.. I have eaten a little today, but without exercise; it's all gonna be thrown back in together tommorow so hopefully I'll feel better for that. We'll see. I know I feel like a failure for eating and 'giving in' over christmas but I'm hoping it wont take me too long to re-lose it, well.. I can hope, just gotta keep hope I suppose. Hoping everyone else has had a good Christmas.. I know this can be a really hard time of year for others aswell.

Feeling Stupid :/

  Is it ridiculously pathetic for to still miss her;

despite having not seen her or heard from her for over a year and a half??

I feel stupid.

Pathetic!

But I miss her so much.

I dont actually know why I miss her so much.

She didn't actually care, it was just her job. 

But it still hurts. 

I miss you. Still..

I still need you.

I hate how you didn't really say a proper goodbye. 

A letter means nothing. 

A job. 

I was only ever your job

  

 

Love? ♥

Forgiveness is part of love, right?!

 

I found a quote the other day, it's;

 

If you truely love someone, you'll forgive the unforgivable.

 

So..

Does that mean I'm supposed to forgive him for it all?!

 

I don't know. I suppose I should. I mean I don't blame him, like at all.

I know I annoyed him, made him angry, turned him on (although unintentionally)

I know it was my fault. So why can I still not forgive him.

I know he didn't mean to hurt me.

Ever.

He never wanted that and I know he loves me too.

 

 

I love him.

 

What's so wrong?! he feels like a part of me despite everything he's done and how much he's hurt me.

No-body else who says he was lying, actually SAW him crying with me, they never saw him begging, promising and completely falling apart generally over thinking he was going to lose me.. 

 

My hearts saying 'Yes' whilst my head is screaming 'No'

 

But that still doesn't stop me loving him.

I Made It (:

I am so relieved! Stupidly, estatically relieved.. it's all over (:

I will admit it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be there were extremely tough moments but due to Mum's recent illness it looks like people were trying extra hard to make everything work, and although I cant stand fakeness normally, I felt it was better then stupid arguments and tension - don't get me wrong, there was still both, but it was no-where near the same sorta level it generally is at!  So now that leaves me feeling just a general, back-ground level of shitness, but eccessively fat.. I have gained weight :( Not as much as I thought I would, but enough for me to really, really hate myself specially for it.. double figures of weight gain does definately not please me. To calm myself I'm just trying to look at it as I've lost it all before, I can lose it again.. but I can't help thinking that it would have been better to have kept that weight off and to have used the last week to lose more..

*Sigh* I suppose it is what it is.. I can't take it back now, and I don't really believe in regret.. 

Either way.. Plus I really want all this snow/ice to fuck right off!

Seriously. It's just beyond pissing me off right now.. I'm stressed, fat, tired and full of anxiety about my walks because I don't particularly feel like falling on my ass repeatedly. To be fair, it isn't going to stop me walking.. but I do have to walk slower.. quite a bit slower then my normal pace.. which I hate..

Got a stupid appointment with my psych next week I think.. or is it the week after.. hmm.. should probably try and find out.

Christmas Eve [just] ♥

It's here. Finally. I suppose the sooner it's here the sooner it's over. I don't wanna feel so negative about it all, and I'm really truely trying to join in with everyone, and everything.. I'm making so much effort and sometimes I feel so good it's like I'm convincing myself that I actually wanna be here too. We've had a few drinks tonight (: not much but enough for us to be a bit 'giggly' then we played Twister.. which although being so close to other people freaked me out was funny enough to overcome that so I think I genuinely enjoyed that. My mum told me I'd regret it if I didn't come over.. which is probably right, to be fair.. but I wish I could have come to this conclusion by myself. To have made this decision to come over on my own. So it was completely my OWN decision - I don't wanna have a little thing against mum for a while because I felt 'forced' into this. I don't think I'd have felt so forced if she hadn't of brought the girls into it all.. she ended up doing the whole "But the girls need you here, it wont be the same for them if there sister isn't here" and "After the year we've had your gonna let your sisters down like this" STUPID! I dont wanna be guilted into doing things that I might not wanna do.  My sisters do mean the absolute world to me. Beyond this world! I am fed up of my feelings for people being used against me. I'm supposed to be watching some movie with the family, but I'm so damn tired. Still. So I've come up to settle for bed. Having this act on for such a long period of time is so hard.. I'd forgotten how hard it was seeing as I haven't been home for this length of time in a fairly long time. *sigh* I just want it all to be over to be honest. I'm hoping people will like there presents of course, but I know already I'm going to be beyond stressed for the next few days especially.. when I go back home I'm gonna end up sleeping for a few days pretty straight I can imagine. Okay, gotta try and get some sleep. On top of everything else, I've forgotten to bring my teddy - I actually can't sleep without him, so tonight should be interesting I suppose. I'm so annoyed with myself for that! Stupidness, allowing the stress of it all to get to me so much that I've left behind things I need.

Daddy, I Love You So..♥

Dad, 
Firstly Merry Christmas!
We've made it through to the end of this year and damn, what a year we've had. I know I probably don't say it enough, in fact I can't even remember the last time I did. I love you. You mean the world to me, you are my dad and I never imagine it or want it any other way. I know it should be water under the bridge by now but things like that still hurt, but thank-you! The way yoiu have been with me through-out the break up and Mum's illness has made me feel more part of the family now then I ever have before. I suppose because I'm not the easiest person to be with I assumed if there was ever a chance to leave me out, you'd take it. Obviously this year there has been more then one chance for you to do that and you still havent. I can now believe things you told me when I was 13. You ARE my dad, you always will be and I love you so much. I'm sorry I've never really told you this before. Again, I love you, I'm sorry for how I have been in the past and although I don't think you will. Please don't leave me now. 
Love Forever

x

Okay, so this is most of a letter I'm putting in my dad's christmas card,  things have been difficult in the past, particularly after I found out he wasn't my biological father at 13. I thought I'd dealt with all of this.. years and years ago. Writing to my dad was supposed to just be a 'Thank-You' note, for being amazing whilst all the shit was going down. :/ Whilst writing a lot more came out, and I've realised that so much of the time I thought I was fine with it all I wasnt.. and in those terms, it explains one hell of a lot. It's really making me think alot about different things. [I'll post more when I've got my head around it a bit more, having to re-open doors that I didn't realise needed to be re-looked at and into] Christmas very soon now. Still worried, still slightly freaking out. But also kinda resigned for the inevitable. Really short post today. I'm sorry. :( I've got a lot on my mind but don't seem able to focus enough to get it out in a sensible and logical manner. I'll probably try again later.

You Can Take Me, But Not My Dreams ♥

You were supposed to save me.  

Instead you broke me more.

I loved you. 

I LOVE you!

Yet pretty much every memory I have of you is painful.

Why can't I think about you without feeling sick.

Tears filling my eyes, fear, pain, desperation..

I wish I could hate you like I want to.

Tonight I would like to sleep and not think of you. 

Not remember you touching me, holding me, hurting me..

I don't want to remember how much I cried. 

Everytime you used my problematic family relationships against me.

I can still feel you on me. Smell you near. 

Can you feel my fear? Or would that be too close to reality for you?

I don't want to think about how I am to blame..

How 'I wanted this' and how much of a 'tease' I am.

I don't wanna see your eyes flash; that warning sign..

To realise I am not safe, I'm not your's, but again, I'm still not mine.

Your ownership and possession of my body; of my mind.

Bruised, battered, blood and pain.

I still don't want to hear that you are sorry, again.

Promises upon promises. 

Broken, again and again.

I want MY mind back, my body, my soul. 

Despite the 9 months since I last saw you.. 

You still have me. 

All of me. Every last part.

My first and last thoughts.

Haunting my days and in turn, playing with my dreams.

The thrill I'm sure you'd feel if you knew all this.

You've caused me irrepairable damage.

And I still love you. 

And I hate it.

What do I have to do to let go?

MY J, would never have hurt me like you have.

Was MY J an act? Did he even exist at all?

♥ "Why do I love you? 

Don't even want to.

Why do I love you like I, 

like I always do" ♥

My First Love ♥

Hmm.. well.. a random topic.. as most of my blogs tend to be but why not kick off with something hard (:
So. My first love, well it would have been J; to be fair I didn't recognise that I loved him for a LONG LONG time - during therapy. So before all that I wouldn't have included him for reasons I promise I will go in to. >.< 
M was the time after/during being with J. I met J at 9 and M at 11. M was my first actual boyfriend. He'd been badgering me for a while [we were really close friends] to make it 'official' which sounds ridiculous given we were like 11.. I did love him, he was my best friend, I could talk about anything with him and the time we spent together felt 'right'. Cliche I know. (: He was my first kiss, both normal and french :L and even though he'd already made a name for himself for being fairly outrageous sexually, I never felt pressured to do anything with him. Which was brilliant considering what else was going on at the time. As is fairly normal at that age anyway, we broke up and made up, [I think he reminded me the other week that we'd been 'going out' like 13 times] Funny looking back on it. It never ended badly, we just decided we were better of as friends. We remained close and even still are fairly close now although we don't get to see each other much anymore :/ I have fond memories of our relationship, he never expected me to be all 'girly girl' and infact said it was one of the things he loved about me.. I would join the guys playing football, climbing trees..etc. I pretty much WAS one of the guys. So back to J [breathe..] J abused me for a very long time [nearly 10 years] and I was convinced that I hated him.. sure I was scared of him and all the other stuff that goes along with it, but as a general emotion, hate would be what I would associate him with. During therapy I realised I did/do love J. Well, I love the person he could be, the fun guy who would talk to me properly about anything.. play random games, listen to music.. etc, it wasn't as such what we were doing together but the fact that he didn't mind as long as we were together. For a little while it felt good, I felt so special; a way I had never felt in my life although I struggled with the attention and found it embarrasing and often blushed.. which he said was cute. -.- He never stressed out over the fact I didn't do 'girly' I didn't/dont wear skirts/dresses and think nothing of climbing trees, walking through rivers and getting dirty and hurt. For a while, thats ALL he was. This gentle, kind, amazing guy who wanted to know me, talk to me, be with me. Then things slowly changed, there were odds days at first where he would be argumentative, difficult and very stroppy, he would hit me if I annoyed him [which was often] and we started playing 'games' He questioned how much I cared about him and often tried to make me 'prove' it. These days became more frequent, quickly.. and over time I saw less and less of MY J. He was making me play 'games' more and more and these games were getting worse. One time, when he beat me up properly for the first time seemed to change it all. The touching stopped being under pretences of games and accidents. Soon he didn't care whether I knew what he meant to do despite always saying he was sorry and that it wouldn't happen again. He didnt care if I cried and if it hurt. After these things he would temporarily be MY J again. Knowing that would sometimes get me through. But I loved MY J, I seperated him in my head and memories between the two; MY J, kind, caring, sweet person who loved me and the other J; who seemed to hate me, got off on making me cry and hurt me all the time. After a while I could actually 'see' the change in his eyes, more often then not when I'd said 'No' or refused him in some other way.. He changed. As we got older and things got worse, I saw MY J less and less.. but before I completely go off track. I loved MY J, the only problem was the other who always managed to get in the way. My issue is I suppose; My first love is the worst thing that could have ever happened to me!

Ergh.

Today, is just one of those days. It's closer and closer to christmas all the time, and I am completely freaking out over it all.. Its not just the food/eating part.. it's all of it, the social part terrifies me! I have such social anxiety but it causes problems because my family decide I'm being 'anti-social' it's stupid but I don't really feel like I can explain to them. I'd feel stupid at my age [although age has nothing to do with it] saying that seeing people freaks me out, the whole making conversation, small talk, all the usual social graces; fear is imminent! Plus at christmas people are so unbelievably touchy-feely, I mean seriously, does someone need to touch me whilst there talking to me?! Is it normal? Am I the only person who finds this beyond point of coping? To be fair it is generally just the older generations who are like that to an excessive extent. But either way I end up having to deal with them the most since I left my parents home as they don't get to see me as much, therefore they seem to use this as a chance to completely bombard me with questions and opinions on my life. Ergh. Then we get onto the food. :/ I HATE this time of year, I'm gaining weight already because of all the stupid meets with everyone else that happens around christmas and I'm hating it so much. There will be more weight gain before the week is out and I'm struggling so hard to cope with it.. I'm using every trick in the book to try and get out of eating but they've got an answer for everything. It really makes me wonder if I've really been avoiding food for so long that theres nothing they can't work around! I've already figured out my food/exercise plan for the two weeks after and needless to say it's gonna be fairly strict. Try and lose the stuff I've gained and then continue to lose once I'm back on track. Damn. This has definately not been my week weight wise.. so much anxiety about it all though.. I'm so fed up of being fat and it's killing me to know that I can't really do anything about it till next week. :/ On top of everything else I'm still so fucking damn tired. Stupid, stupid brain. Sort it out for gods sake. I want my life back.

If I Had 10 Wishes..♥

I would wish;

1. That all my scars were gone completely.
2. That I wasn't fat and ugly.
3. That my eye-sight was good.
4. That I didn't remember the things he'd done but was still able
   to feel the compassion and empathy that comes along with facing tough times.
5. That me and my mum could have a consistently good relationship.
6. That my moods would stabilise out and not cause me such stress.
7. That I could cope without resorting to hurting myself in some way or another.
8. That my parents would learn from their mistakes made with me and not make them with my sisters.
9. That I still had all the friends I used to have.
10. That I didn't have any mental health problems at all.

And on a random note (:

♥I want your love and I want your revenge,
You and me could write a bad romance♥

Sleep [Or Lack Of Anything Else]

At the moment I'm in the low of my mood cycle :/ Sucks, but whatever. I'm in it, and I'm shattered. Seriously. Constantly drowsy, if I'm don't get like 16 hours sleep then I'm a complete mess! Irritable, unable to focus, all the nice usual things that come with lack of sleep.. although I feel like a freak because I get them when I've slept like 12 odd hours.. Obviously this is the wrong time of year to need to sleep this much.. I am struggling to get everything organised like I need to and it's causing me even more stress over it all. So for the last couple of months I've been sleeping like this, in terms of getting everything else sorted I'm managing except social life is kinda down the drain.. but these last couple of days I've been feeling worse, emotionally/mentally.. the thoughts of self-harm and suicide a more focal point in my mind now, and that's getting me down even more. I believe it's the "lack" of sleep over the last couple of weeks where I've been busier with christmas and all that but I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to enjoy christmas at all.. cause I'm either so tired I'm paying nothing else any attention, or all I can think about is hurting myself. :/ I haven't been 'low' at christmas for a few years and with all thats gone on this year I was hoping this would be able to be a really good year.. I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm stressed plus god knows what else and it's all cycling and making the other feelings consequently worse. I realise thats whats happening, but don't seem to know how to stop it.. My team are useless. I have been told to have a routine; have hot drinks and baths.. although I'm sure these must work for some people - they must get this shit advice from somewhere - I know they do not work for me.. I have ALWAYS had messed up sleep. Even as a kid, it used to drive my mum mad cause I either couldn't [in her eyes, wouldn't] sleep at all or it's all I wanted to do. To be fair, that hasn't particularly changed, but I'm sure you can appreciate that since being a child, and I'm talking 3/4 my sleep has been screwed [my mum said it always has been including when I was a baby, but I don't want to include when I was 2/3ish years because my sister came along and I can imagine that wouldn't have helped my sleeping.] so in 16 years I've had messed up sleep.. I have tried and tested every imaginable and possible chance of something that may help one sleep. From extremely specific bed-time routines with baths and hot drinks to relaxing music and soothing lights.. so you can see why it fustrates me to keep getting the same replies.. it's not like I'm after sleeping tablets. I dont want them. I've had them. Been re-offered them. It's not what I want, they work fine whilst I'm on them, but once I'm off them its screwed again.. and I don't wanna be on things that can be so dangerous and addictive for long.. so I fail to see the point to try them again. The difference is obviously I don't want help to sleep, for these couple of months I'm sleeping fine.. too much, but fine. I just need some useful techniques to stop the [illogical] tiredness screwing up everything else. I only need to manage for the next week at most really, then I can just give in for a while.. but I don't wanna self-harm and I don't want to kill myself.. which makes the thoughts and images all the more distressing. I don't really have many good coping strategies.. it's hard to get ones that consistently work because my moods change to extremes and they change ability to focus on other things and ability to remember other things to do. The only thing I really do do alot is use distraction.. but my team are worried that I'm taking it too far and am entering 'avoidance' So either way I can't win; I have a technique that works/helps and I'm not supposed to use it because it works to well :/ I'm trying to stay aware and I know that, even though I'm not struggling as much as I know I can, if I just leave it it'll just get worse, I try and do something about it now, and no-one takes any notice because I'm not yet at a point where I'm about the try and jump in front of a train. These stupid services are going to be the death of me yet.

Newbie (:

Haii (:
I am me. (: Alot of my own information I will choose to keep private due to not wanting my blog to be found by certain people in my real life. I am young, not 20 years yet. Yet things have been difficult my whole life; as far as I remember. Most of my memories are of struggling with one thing or another. I am in the adult mental health services - and they suck! I am sorry to those people who work in the services and are truely good and caring, but are incredibly let down by the load of idiots who work there for god knows what reason because they do not give a flying fuck and actually seem to get a kick outta watching me struggle. Maybe I'm just particularly unlucky in terms of when I've had my team handed out, I don't know, but I have found most of my team to be incompetent idiots who know nothing about recent mental health and trauma. I have been with my CMHT since June09 and have had 2 psychs and 3 Care-Co-ordinators; in forms of a social worker, a CPN and an OT.. to be fair I don't actually care much what their qualification is.. I just want them to listen and to try and understand. I can remember HATING it when I was in CAMHs but seriously, there mess ups are NOTHING compared to how much my adult team manage to screw up.. I am willing to say I did not make things easy for my first Care-Co-ordinator; I was fresh out of hospital, kicked outta the family home and the transition period was, well.. non-existent. I saw my CAMHs social worker once whilst I was in hospital and that was it.. I met my adult social worker a couple of weeks before I left hospital, to almost leave hospital and be told that the person I'd met before wasn't actually going to be my social worker, she was just someone to meet me as who was mine was on holiday. Finally met him at my discharge meeting - HIM - because of past abuse issues I'd requested to not have a male.. I know theres problems with sharing out clients sometimes but I KNEW I would not be able to be honest properly with him due to not wanting to feel vunerable in front of him. Not his fault I know, and even though I'd tried to counter-act this happening, it still managed to make me look like a difficult, un-co-operative stroppy teenager because I wasn't able to tell him when I was struggling. I have been bullied, abused and emotionally neglected through out most of my life and they wonder why I have 'trust issues' God damn.. these 'professionals' really piss me off sometimes. I dissociate regularly and have relationship and trust issues.. I have high's so high I feel I could do anything, I won't sleep for days and when I do, a couple of hours will do, not eating feels normal and crashing into lows where I easily sleep 20 odd hours a day for a month or more.. crying, wanting to die, anxiety, self-harm and suicide attempts.. Or I hallucinate.. voices, people.. delusional ideas of plans to 'get' me and harm me in various ways. I have nightmares and flashbacks and have not yet found someone who understands it all.. I am fed up of being told I'm 'difficult' when to be honest, it's the only things keeping me alive. I have better relationships with my family again.. but it's not the same. I wont get back those years I needed and wanted care and love. I wont get back all the times I've hurt myself because my mum just wouldn't give a fuck. The nights other people have managed to hurt me because my mum chose to lock me out so I wandered about all night. They say they know.. that they understand. They understand jack-shit. They don't know me and they don't know whats going on in my head. I do not expect them to be mind-readers, of course, but they have never took the time to find out. They have worked with so-and-so who had bipolar, another who had bpd and many people with trauma issues.. so they KNOW.. bullshit. If they ever took the time to listen, they'd realise just how much they really don't know. And maybe, thats what there scared of.